I think people forget, sometimes, what we're truly doing here. What we're here for. We're not here to keep up with the Jones's, or advance in a career, or even clean house (thank God!). We're here to survive. We're here to love. And even though I don't always understand why God put us here, I do believe there is a reason.
I am here to make someone's life easier. Anyone's life...I just want to help people. Not in a condescending way...I truly want to make a difference to someone...even if that person will never remember me. I'd like to think most people want that at one point or another in their lives. I know most Foster Parents feel that way...at least I hope so!
I know of quite a few people interested in foster care now, and that makes me so happy! But if I could give any advice, it's to remember foster care isn't an adoption agency. If it happens that way, it's WONDERFUL!! I'm almost at the end of my adoption with my little boy. But I got another baby girl about a year ago...she was supposed to be an adoption. But her father found out about her, and fought for her. He won! And as much as I miss her, and as hard as this has been on me and my family, this is the way it's supposed to go. Every parent that has had their child taken away or in the foster system has a different story. Don't assume the worst. Sometimes, it is the worst. And sometimes it's ugly...but other times, it's inspiring. My little baby girl's father fought for her. How great is it to have someone to fight for you??
When you get a child placed with you, don't get 'territorial'. Love that child as if he/she IS your own...but keep in mind, this is someone else's child, and the goal might be to return to parent. So, start thinking how you can help the process. When I found out my little girl might go home, I started really working with her. I really worked on her crawling, holding her own bottle, putting her to bed awake (and self-soothing). I got her attached to a blankie and a doll that she slept with every night. My thought was maybe that would help the transition, and maybe it would help the parent, too. If there are other kids going to be in the home, you want the child somewhat independant.
If you get an infant, don't let the baby get used to having to be rocked every night to go to sleep, or held all the time. You might be setting that child up for a harder transition. And this is all about the CHILD. No matter what you feel about the parent, don't try to make things harder on them, thinking they'll just give you their baby. It doesn't work that way. Luckily, I like the parent I worked with, and I have a lot of faith in him. Maybe that's why I had a good transition experience. She seemed to bond with him, and I didn't resent that at all. I held her, I loved her, I cherished her while I had her...for a whole year. And hopefully what I did helped her get started for the rest of her life, at home with her family.
If you get an older child (I have only taken infants, so I don't have experience with this)....but if I ever got an older child, I would think "ok, what can I do to help this child as much as possible?" Help them find their talent, even if it takes 6 or 7 different sports/activities you have to try first. Make them proud of themselves. Get them therapy if needed. And not just what the state pays for. Try to get the best you can get. These kids deserve it. I would want to help them be independant as well...learning life skills, etc.
And when you take a child or baby for a visit with the parent, be kind. You don't know these people's story. You may know some stuff, but you won't know everything. You might be the only person to act like you truly care for them. Even if the parent(s) walk away, and act like they hate you...you may have planted a seed. Show them love. That doesn't mean to completely trust all of them...be careful. But don't sit and judge them, either.
My transition with little 'A' (can't tell her name for confindentiality reasons...and it's none of your business! lol) was, in my opinion, one of the best. I did trust her parent, and have a good gut feeling about them. Hopfully, this family knew I really was trying to work with them and help in any way I can. That's what fostering is.
It's been one of the hardest things I've done - I won't lie. But I feel like I was part of the whole solution, and thinking of what was best for HER made a huge difference!
I made it sound like a VERY positive thing with my own kids. They still talk about her everyday, and my daughter dresses a stuffed animal in an outfit 'A' used to wear...but I think because I didn't get emotional in front of them, it helped. I tell them it's ok to miss her and cry sometimes. But think how excited her family is now!! Children take thier cues from us parents. I knew I was getting somewhere with mine, when during 'A's 1st birthday party, my daughter, Ella, said "It's too bad her daddy's not here right now. He'd be excited!" Of course, he got to celebrate with her as well, but we didn't do it all together. My heart was so happy to hear her say that. I felt like I was finally getting them to see the happy side of all this!
I hope if anyone is considering foster care, you feel comfortable talking to me. I will help you along the way, any way I can!
Sometimes foster kids are the 'forgotten' kids. But I'm here to remind you. ;-)
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Monday, November 8, 2010
In honor of National Adoption Month - My Foster Story :)
Most of you already know I am a foster mom. Before I started fostering, I pictured foster parents to be these ugly, mean, dirty people they play in movies. Hopefully no one sees me that way! ;) I will start this story from the very beginning. And I'll try not to tell a story like Rose from Golden Girls.
Right after Mike and I married, my mom started fostering. She mainly took drug and alcohol babies, and little preemies. These children broke my heart and our whole family fell in love with every one of them. I knew then we are all, as people, capable of loving anybody..no matter DNA, background, family history or race. These kids are innocent and didn't ask to be put in these situations! Anyway, I need to get off my soap box...
Mike and I had Mason, then 2 yrs later Ella. I believe it was Mike that suggested doing foster care when Ella was 3. We thought about it, and thought why not? At least we can take the classes and see how it goes. No pressure!
The longer the classes went, the more we wanted to do it. We wanted a child that was younger than both our kids, preferably an infant. Our classes took about 10 weeks, a lot of paper work, and a couple home studies. Finally we were approved!
It was a little frustrating at first...a couple of people we took classes with already got calls, and was so excited. It took us 3 months to get a call. And what a call! :) One afternoon I got a call that there was a 3 day old baby being taken from the mother that needed a placement now. All I knew was he was a boy, and bi-racial. I said "YES! We'll take him! Wait...let me call Mike to make sure. I'll call you right back. But put me down as a yes!" Mike and I agreed we wouldn't make any decisions without discussing it first. So I did call, and he was very interested (I knew he would be anyway). 45 Minutes later, little "J" arrived at my house. I was instantly in love, but tried to hold back. I knew the plan was for him to be put back with his mom. But I never knew how much I could love another child as much as my own. He needed a mother, a father, and a family. We didn't know it yet, but we needed him as well.
His mom had a plan to follow, but never followed through. She did have visits once a week, so I got to know her a little. Yes, she has issues...but sometimes some of these people are also victims of their surroundings and how they were raised. She did not have a happy childhood, sadly. But it became very noticeable that she wouldn't be getting him back.
I'm starting to sound like Rose, so I'll hurry this up. After a LOT of ups and downs, and a lot of stress, TPR has occurred!! (Termination of Parental Rights). This basically means we get to adopt him now! It's just a matter of paper-work and he's officially ours. Although he's been "mine" the minute I saw him at my door-step in a car seat. He's brought our whole family so much joy. He's such a happy and funny baby...I can't even imagine life without him now. My kids adore him, and of course, he loves them too. It's amazing how well he seems to have just fit in with us all.
People say "oh, he's so lucky he got placed with a good family!" But truly, I feel like WE are the blessed ones. All the stress, and ups and downs of Foster Care was so worth it. Hopefully, it won't take much longer for the adoption to go through and we can officially call him son and brother! To us, he's always been our son, and the kids brother...but I had to be careful what to tell the kids. I didn't want them to get too attached and get their hearts broken if/when he went home. Now, we can breathe and relax some.
I can't wait to post again once the adoption goes through! :)
I encourage anyone even thinking about doing Foster Care, to give it a try!! The classes are free, so you really have nothing to lose. It has opened my eyes and reminded me how hard life is for most people, and how much suffering goes on even right down our street!
"J" may not be our DNA, but that doesn't matter. We are now a family of 5 hearts with one beat.
Right after Mike and I married, my mom started fostering. She mainly took drug and alcohol babies, and little preemies. These children broke my heart and our whole family fell in love with every one of them. I knew then we are all, as people, capable of loving anybody..no matter DNA, background, family history or race. These kids are innocent and didn't ask to be put in these situations! Anyway, I need to get off my soap box...
Mike and I had Mason, then 2 yrs later Ella. I believe it was Mike that suggested doing foster care when Ella was 3. We thought about it, and thought why not? At least we can take the classes and see how it goes. No pressure!
The longer the classes went, the more we wanted to do it. We wanted a child that was younger than both our kids, preferably an infant. Our classes took about 10 weeks, a lot of paper work, and a couple home studies. Finally we were approved!
It was a little frustrating at first...a couple of people we took classes with already got calls, and was so excited. It took us 3 months to get a call. And what a call! :) One afternoon I got a call that there was a 3 day old baby being taken from the mother that needed a placement now. All I knew was he was a boy, and bi-racial. I said "YES! We'll take him! Wait...let me call Mike to make sure. I'll call you right back. But put me down as a yes!" Mike and I agreed we wouldn't make any decisions without discussing it first. So I did call, and he was very interested (I knew he would be anyway). 45 Minutes later, little "J" arrived at my house. I was instantly in love, but tried to hold back. I knew the plan was for him to be put back with his mom. But I never knew how much I could love another child as much as my own. He needed a mother, a father, and a family. We didn't know it yet, but we needed him as well.
His mom had a plan to follow, but never followed through. She did have visits once a week, so I got to know her a little. Yes, she has issues...but sometimes some of these people are also victims of their surroundings and how they were raised. She did not have a happy childhood, sadly. But it became very noticeable that she wouldn't be getting him back.
I'm starting to sound like Rose, so I'll hurry this up. After a LOT of ups and downs, and a lot of stress, TPR has occurred!! (Termination of Parental Rights). This basically means we get to adopt him now! It's just a matter of paper-work and he's officially ours. Although he's been "mine" the minute I saw him at my door-step in a car seat. He's brought our whole family so much joy. He's such a happy and funny baby...I can't even imagine life without him now. My kids adore him, and of course, he loves them too. It's amazing how well he seems to have just fit in with us all.
People say "oh, he's so lucky he got placed with a good family!" But truly, I feel like WE are the blessed ones. All the stress, and ups and downs of Foster Care was so worth it. Hopefully, it won't take much longer for the adoption to go through and we can officially call him son and brother! To us, he's always been our son, and the kids brother...but I had to be careful what to tell the kids. I didn't want them to get too attached and get their hearts broken if/when he went home. Now, we can breathe and relax some.
I can't wait to post again once the adoption goes through! :)
I encourage anyone even thinking about doing Foster Care, to give it a try!! The classes are free, so you really have nothing to lose. It has opened my eyes and reminded me how hard life is for most people, and how much suffering goes on even right down our street!
"J" may not be our DNA, but that doesn't matter. We are now a family of 5 hearts with one beat.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Our Love
I think being a mom is one of the hardest things I have ever done. At the same time, it's one of the most rewarding, too. But I find I doubt myself more than ever now. I'm sure all you moms (and dads too) will agree...you never now what is the "right" punishment, or the "right" thing to do in any circumstance. I have relaxed the more kids I have, but I still wonder every single day if I'm doing all this the right way! I want my kids to be healthy, have great self-esteems (but not turn out conceited), love God, and have morals...any morals will do at this point! haha
It's come to my attention this year the importance of love...most especially unconditional love. We've had a hard year this year. Harder than we've ever had. Mike's job is moving on up (or west) to California, we've had some extended family issues that have affected my kids in a negative way, money has been tight, and all the ups and downs of Foster Care. It's been a year from hell, to be honest! Trying to not get stressed out in front of the kids is almost impossible! And even if you try to hide situations, kids just feel tension; they know something is going on, even if they don't know the details. Then of course, they start acting out and it turns into a vicious (and I mean vicious!) cycle.
Ella turned to me one day and said "you don't even love me!!!" Of course if you know Ella, you know this was said very dramatically. But it got me thinking anyway. So I sat them down and told all my kids..."There is NOTHING that you could ever do that would make me not love you anymore. My love is forever!" This seemed to sink in, and they acted so happy to hear that. I started thinking that my family has been like that, growing up. We've all been though A LOT together, and even though we get mad at each other sometimes, we still love each other very much and nothing will ever change that.
I can only hope and pray my kids can say the same thing one day. I will always love them...nothing will ever take that away from us. Through thick or thin, rich or poor, we're blessed to have each other and our love.
It's come to my attention this year the importance of love...most especially unconditional love. We've had a hard year this year. Harder than we've ever had. Mike's job is moving on up (or west) to California, we've had some extended family issues that have affected my kids in a negative way, money has been tight, and all the ups and downs of Foster Care. It's been a year from hell, to be honest! Trying to not get stressed out in front of the kids is almost impossible! And even if you try to hide situations, kids just feel tension; they know something is going on, even if they don't know the details. Then of course, they start acting out and it turns into a vicious (and I mean vicious!) cycle.
Ella turned to me one day and said "you don't even love me!!!" Of course if you know Ella, you know this was said very dramatically. But it got me thinking anyway. So I sat them down and told all my kids..."There is NOTHING that you could ever do that would make me not love you anymore. My love is forever!" This seemed to sink in, and they acted so happy to hear that. I started thinking that my family has been like that, growing up. We've all been though A LOT together, and even though we get mad at each other sometimes, we still love each other very much and nothing will ever change that.
I can only hope and pray my kids can say the same thing one day. I will always love them...nothing will ever take that away from us. Through thick or thin, rich or poor, we're blessed to have each other and our love.
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